Nicholas J. Krut

Here with you on this couch seems very strange but also very appropriate. You have been in my thoughts as of recently and seeing you here ties a knot in-between the two threads of this and that. If we spend this time together and that is all we get so be it. If we spend all sorts of time together and have a really good time so be it. I am moving to a state in my life where I am not partaking in actions for their product but rather taking part in actions to avoid inaction and also always thinking with a clear mind and conscious.

I’m not sure what any of this means but it’s got to be good. I didn’t expect anything and that is what is great.

7:13 pm is the last interaction I had with you.

It’s now 5:35 am. That is about 10 hours.

I feel completely alive, and I would feel the same were you here. I’m free and so are you. And we are both happy. Holy crap, is this a joke? Why do I trust you so much? Why don’t I have some strange compulsion to hold you tight to me and never let go? Am I broken or am I repaired?

I’m asking you a lot of questions but please, don’t answer any of them. It would take away the mystique. We are both so far from being perfect, maybe that is what makes this friendship so grand and also what makes it so exciting.

I love my life. I love all of you.

Two in one night???

I’m sitting here drinking a glass of milk and I just looked in the refrigerator and I saw a pitcher of Sangria stuffed with oranges, lemons and the like in it. I will never have a friendship or a relationship of any kind that you and I have again.

We relate but disagree. We have our issues but we are still so close and I can tell you anything from how much I hate the person who is sitting next to me on the train to how much I love the way the girl I am loving holds me when I cry. I can tell you anything and you just listen. The value of that cannot be stated in dollars or cents. The only thing I can hope is that some day I will be able to give you 10% of what you have given me.

The way you laugh and make stupid jokes when you drink. The way you smile when I say that I can accompany you to somewhere that is along the way on our car ride. The way you support me and are proud of me. The way you always offer to make me a cup of coffee even when I’ve been a prick all day.

You are a wonderful person and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I love you, thank you. So damn much.

To the lovely hostess
With the long blond hair
I do apologize
about when you caught me in a stare
but you looked so pretty
simply standing there.

Do me a small favor
only if you can
give this friendly boy a call
and make him a happy man..

not in my /b/

Sitting in your bedroom
On the bedroom floor

On that piece of bed
Bedroom beside the door

I’m lost in my own thoughts
It is nice to know

Always standing by you
Always standing alone.

I listened to that song again.  It’s been years I think.  I remember the CD that I received from you, you placed it in my hands and the writing on it made me smile over and over.

I listened to the music, I heard the lyrics, I liked it a lot.  I didn’t ever sit down and take the time to process what it meant.  What you communicated in those lyrics took me 5 years to figure out on my own.  Incredible, huh?  Talk about something being right under your nose.

It hurts to think that I’ve missed so much being in one mindset when this other is so much better.  I miss you even though we were never that close.  I value the fact that you value me and while it may be in passing I still love it.  There is so much in our lives that later in our lives we realize if we would have looked at the time it would have been so obvious.

Now I’m sitting here, alone.

So I said I wasn’t going to write for a while, and I was serious…  I wanted to say though that I had an amazing weekend.  I haven’t been able to breathe like this in a while.  And although there were some awful parts, the beauty far outweighed it.

I’m happy and I’m content.  There are things missing but there always will be.  The wise man does not focus on the fruits of his actions but also does not engage in inaction.  I’m found.

I felt undertones of death this morning.  I was not scared.  Beathe in.  Breathe out.

I wrote a lot tonight.

I’m not going to do that for a while.  Along with some other things.  Yikes.

I’ve never felt so accepted.  Thank you all.

My words are useless.

I’m surrounded by beauty.

I’m fully clothed.

I’m happy.

I’m destroyed.